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Behind the Badge: Domestic Violence

The pain of domestic violence.

Domestic violence. Where do we begin? I could talk about the actual physical pain a victim feels when they are hit, punched or choked. Many of us have experienced that kind of pain at some point in our life times. It’s not pleasant and sometimes it leaves a mark. Usually we recover from that pain in short order. That’s one kind of pain.

 I think I’ll talk about the other kind of pain. The kind that doesn’t leave a nasty reminder on your face or on your arm. This pain is the pain that lingers in your soul and in the lives of the people in your family. This is the hidden pain and anguish suffered by the direct victims of domestic violence and the indirect victims as well. 

The indirect victims are usually the innocent children who have to listen to the screaming arguments and watch the adults in their lives punching each other around. The direct victims are the people who have to dodge the insults, indignities and sometimes the real hits. Never knowing what will happen next. This hidden pain causes wounds that last a life time. This damage goes well beyond the physical; it can ruin lives, families and future relationships.

 Ask any police officer about the things they have seen during domestic violence incidents. Their answers may shock you. During my own career I have had little children clinging to my leg, crying and begging me to take them away from their homes because of all the fighting. Their little faces covered in tears and painted with fear. Your heart breaks for these kids. We see the faces of our own children in these little angels. We can comfort them for the moment and calm the situation down for the time being, but we cannot remove the haunting images and sounds that stick with them forever. That takes much more than words. 

In years gone by, domestic violence was considered a private family problem. If the police were called to the scene, they stopped the violence, counseled the combatants and then left them to their own solutions.

Those days, thankfully are gone. Today we have help for the victims, children and even for the people causing the problems. If you know a person or family that is suffering from this type of pain tell someone. If not for the adults in the situation then for those innocent kids. As the friends of people in a violent relationship, sometimes we have to take a stand, even if it is done anonymously.

Victims of domestic violence can find themselves paralyzed with fear, unable to reach out for help. As a society we can’t stand by and hope it will get better. Most times it does not. Sometimes it is deadly.

Most municipalities have some type of free counseling or referral services, make the call. If you are the adult in this type of a relationship, get help. Protect yourself, find the strength to take action to make the situation better. Think of the kids, cowering in their rooms, do they deserve to live like that?

A good relationship is a give and take. The people involved support and help each other. Everyone has disagreements, but violence, especially in a family, is never the answer. 

Domestic violence has many roots.  None of them are justified. Today there is more awareness of this problem, but many incidents still go unreported. We can no longer accept these incidents. We must help the victims where we can.

Let me know what you think. Email me at jpangaro194@yahoo.com                 

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WMS826 January 24, 2013 at 10:05 PM
What is worse is the wasted time the police spend on these calls after the victim relents and goes back to. Even if it is a boyfriend with no children. Low self esteem is a hard thing to fight and cure.
Joseph Pangaro January 24, 2013 at 10:18 PM
Thanks for responding. Domestic violence can be a very frustrating call for police officers to answer. We do return to the same homes time after time. Victims do relent and drop restraining orders. I try to teach my cops this one simple concept. Domestic Violence develops over a period of time. Leaving a DV sitiuation is a process that takes time, not an event. We must be vigilant, protect the victims every time and be ready to help them when they are ready to be helped. JP ...
WMS826 January 25, 2013 at 09:37 PM
These laws have swung too far to the woman's side. Proof of what an organized special interest group can get accomplished in government if they try. Much of this is just allegations and a tool to remove the man from the home at the end of the relationship. You can get a restraining order without any police involvement or investigation what so ever. The true battered woman does exist but they are far and few between these days depending on the economics of a community. There are true nuts and stalker types that exist, but far too many guys get the shaft from these laws than it truly helps.
lacey voter January 26, 2013 at 08:32 PM
Please keep up the articles Mr. Pangaro..Many of us don't see these things..But I will tell yuou about 1 battered woman I know..She left and moved into her parents house..They brought her to the Integrity House in Lakewood..Classes, rules, place to sleep..They give her a cell phone with a couple hundred free minutes each month..She is in hiding..I am sure you can guess who the first person she calls is..He takes a bus to Lakewood they meet up for a drink or ten..Against the rules..They toss her out..Last I saw her, she was still with him but not living together..She was on the public dime living in motels in barnegat, toms river etc. I am sure you saw 100's just like her..Again, keep writing articles..I like getting your perspective on things
Joseph Pangaro January 27, 2013 at 02:19 PM
Thanks Lacey Voter. Theres more to come. I appreciate you taking the time to write to me. One of the tnings we all have to unsderstand is the cycle of violence. Leaving a dangerous relationship isreally a slow process. That might seem strange but its true. Leaving is a process. Thats why we all have to support anyone in these situations as best as we can. Hopefully they will find the will to save themselves. JP
frankie thesherm January 27, 2013 at 03:00 PM
End ALL Foreign Aid
AJ January 30, 2013 at 10:22 PM
Mr Pangaro that was a very informitive article.Please don't hesitate to write some more.
Denise Di Stephan (Editor) January 30, 2013 at 10:34 PM
Lt. Pangaro has written more and we're glad he did. Check out Point Pleasant Patch home page and stay tuned! Thanks for reading.
Paul Ryan voted no to Sandy Relief January 30, 2013 at 10:48 PM
Did everyone see the gun violence today?
WMS826 January 31, 2013 at 12:46 AM
Yes, and to end it we need to arm ourselves so the cowards who prey on people think twice.
skizma January 31, 2013 at 12:07 PM
Brillian WMS826. Yes. more guns. Just like more drugs is the answer to drugs. This logic is just plain wrong and we are tired of it. You can live your life wrong, but the rest of us don't have to. Find some other country that lets you run around with a gun every time you think you're being attacked. Those who have guns DON't think twice. Duhhh..... enough. And by the way, the laws have NOT gone too far. You obviously have not seen it and lived it. Guess you were the victim of a false accusation. That is wrong. However, these laws must be in place for those who need them. Too many times, WITH a restraining order, the woman is killed. These idiots don't have a wall to stop them. No way are there more false claims than real ones. Your facts are incorrect. Another difficult situation to help with.

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